It’s impossible to please everyone, it’s pointless to get hurt, but when it’s your own parent it’s a completely different story.
I hate doing this but I need to get this off my chest, because I’ve had it, and it hurts, and I don’t know what else to do that doesn’t conclude in punching something.
I’m sitting here working on my animation I need to do for tomorrow. It’s quick, simple, and I’m nearly done with it. As much as I lack the motivation to do this animation, I’m doing it, even if it took so long to do it, I’m still doing it and I will do it until it’s done. I refuse to go into any class with nothing in my hands [Unless you only have to bring yourself, that’s a different story.]
This is how I work, sometimes I work well under pressure, sometimes I just lose motivation.
My mother came and asked me what was up with my homework, and instead of lying to her like I usually do and say ‘I’m almost done’ over and over again so she could stop asking, I told her the truth. I told her ‘It’s taking a while, I don’t even want to finish it because I just have no motivation to do this what-so-ever.’ So something clicks in her brain. That registered as ‘I do none of my work mom, I hate doing what I do, I just don’t even give an effort, I don’t like any of my classes I can give two shits, I always give in-completes.’ She asked me stupid questions, and legit made it seem as if I don’t do any of my work. I have no idea how I made it to Junior year then, because if I don’t do anything and really slack off that 3.4 GPA I have right now must be completely coming out of my ass, or something or by just being a nice person because if I’m not doing any work then that must be a lie. She gets angry if I don’t tell her what I’m doing, so the one time I finally decide to tell her how I feel she asks me these stupid questions as if I don’t care about college, and what I do and what I’m doing, and then assumes I’m doing no work what-so-ever, goes, and then tells my dad in front of my face the overdramatized information she managed to gather, and in an angry tone to make matters worse.
I hate disappointing people, and she doesn’t understand that, may it be a professor, a boss, a cousin, a friend, I hate disappointing people and the fact now that they might be disappointed in me because of a lie hurts to the utter core. It’s my parents, they’re all I have that I live with that I want to impress and I want them to be proud of me but now they fucking think I’m such a slacker who does nothing but sits on their ass all day doing nothing and gives in bullshit work when I don’t. Art is my passion, it’s my life why the hell would I take everything I have, everything they’ve given me for granted like that? It’s like I say this one thing this one feeling I have and I’m automatically classified as an ungrateful kid.
I have an internship, I have good grades, and the moment I say ‘I’m just not feeling this project’ it just means I’m doing absolutely nothing????
I’m sitting here not trying to bawl my goddamn eyes out because knowing they’re both probably horribly disappointed in me for something that isn’t true hurts so goddamn much, and I freaking hate it.
I don’t know if I’m angry, upset, sad, or what the hell but all I know is that my chest literally hurts and I just wish my mom got the chance to know who the hell I really was. The fact that she doesn’t know me, and it’s been 20 damn years- //SCREAM
I hate being a disappointment. I fucking hate it.
